Band Boy

It started with him sending me an email saying he was one of the four guys in the attached photo.  Lucky for me, I guessed right.  He was the cute one with wild hair and “I’m a Player” written all over him, but I decided to overlook that one major flaw.  In turn I sent him a picture of me with two of friends and told him to guess which one I was.  He wrote back that he hoped I was the leggy brunette.  He was right.  He told me he plays guitar in a band and would be very happy should he find me waiting in the green room after a show.  I said I was too smart to be in the green room with the idiot groupies, that instead I would sneak into his dressing room and be waiting there alone for him in the dark.  He said he’d want to peel my jeans off, go down on me and make me shudder with craze.  I wrote back that although I was a band boy stalker who had snuck into his dressing room, I also happen to be a good girl and the jeans would have to stay on……..for now.

Later after we met in person, he told me that the “dressing room” was the moment I had him hooked.  Our email exchanges continued every day, sometimes all day for the next month.  The first time he called me, we talked for 5 hours and 40 minutes, until almost 5:00 a.m.  The first time we met was the day before my 21st anniversary.  He was 9 years younger than me but looked maybe 30, had the most beautiful perfect white teeth, muscular arms, tousled hair, and a smile that melted me.  In most of our email communication we talked in third person referring to ourselves as BB (band boy) and GG (good girl), something like this:  “BB wants GG here right now, in the deep end of the pool with her legs wrapped around me, I tease her by poking her……down there.”Image

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Embracing the Aftermath

Any pain that comes my way as a result of my behavior, I truly try to embrace it by telling myself I deserve it, and I asked for it by choosing to visit the dark side.  My first full-blown affair ended recently and left me in a state of grieving, missing him, missing the adrenaline rushes, missing the nightly emails, missing pretty much everything except for the agonizing waits in between our times together.  I did not fall in love, but I loved things about him and about the affair.  I’m working on a story about him, but have also gone back to school for my Master’s, so time is a major issue right now. If I weren’t so busy, the grieving would be so much worse.

While I’m here, let me throw another WHY out there.  Turning 40 awhile back made me feel like I had finally grown up.  It’s fun being a grownup and finally being in charge of your own life and making your own decisions- unless you’re married and then it’s like you’re a little kid all over again, having to ask Daddy- oops, I mean Hubby for permission.  I truly never felt that way until just the past few years.  I can only liken my experience to the same rebellion that teenagers go through. Is this Midlife Spouse Rebellion?  Is there such a phenomena?  Maybe I’m the first to experience it.  This also ties in with that issue that no one wants to discuss- the Familial issue of marriage.  I’ll save it for another post.

Staying True to the Why

I closed the last post stating that I wasn’t chickening out.  Maybe I did.   On the occasions I have read blogs from other cheating wives, I admit I’ve been captivated like a Fifty-Shades-of-Grey fan reading the salacious details of their trysts.  It hasn’t escaped me that those posts receive the most attention.  I was tempted to do the same in order to attract more readers, but having taken a break from my blog for the past few months, I’ve decided to stay true to why I came here in the first place and only try to explain WHY I am doing this, to continue to desperately try to help those who have been cheated on to see that adultery is not death, it’s just adultery.  The bottom line is that in my research over the past two years, I meet spouse after spouse who, like me, love their wife or husband, love their families, don’t want to lose what is most important to them, but also like me become lost and put it all at risk.  The world we live in today makes it very easy to go down paths we never thought we would.

birdsfly

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I’ve gone back in forth in my head over and over- should I write this or should I not??  I guess, here goes…

For my haters, please try to remember that I am suffering a madness that has temporarily made me lose my mind.  You can spew your righteous comments at me, but I assure you that there is not one single scripture in the Bible which I have not read, and believe it or not, there is not a single scripture that I do not believe!  I was raised in a very conservative Christian home, the same kind of home I am raising my own children in.  Try to keep in mind that this blog is about my journey to and through the dark side, how I went from one end of the spectrum clear to the other, WHY I went on this journey……and the outcome.

I’m months behind in my blogging, still trying to navigate my way through the minefield of my own making.  This past summer, while my kids were away at camp, and my husband unable to get away from work, I went away for a girls’ weekend with one of my BFFs.  Despite what I wrote in my last post about fulfilling my desires, I honestly did not intend for this weekend to turn out the way it did.  I’m still shaking my head over it, and in my madness, still glowing.

We were in a small town in the mountains.  My BFF and I went to have some drinks at one of the many night spots.  I have an extremely outgoing personality and tend to make friends everywhere I go, as we did on this night.

It’s important to note here, a girls’ weekend, drinking with a friend, and even making new friends are just a few of the things that had disappeared from my life for almost two decades prior to my madness.

At the end of our evening (2:00 a.m.), our new friends, who were also just visiting the town for the weekend, needed a ride back since the shuttle service had stopped running for the night.  At a red light, I asked for directions from a taxi driver in the car next to ours.  Coincidentally, the cab was headed to the same lodge and offered to lead the way.  I followed several miles up a winding mountain in the dark.  Upon arriving at the lodge, I sat in my car while BFF was saying her goodbyes to our new friends.  The cab’s passengers, three young men, approached me and struck up conversation.  Eventually two of them went on in, but the cute one lingered to chat with me.  I don’t look my age and have even been mistaken several times for my daughter’s sister, but this cute “boy” looked to be in his 20’s.  He began asking me to come inside just for awhile.  I said “no way” for multiple reasons, the least being that he was a total stranger.  He looked too sweet and cute to be harmful.  After relenting that I would not be going inside with him, he began asking for just a kiss.  I again told him, “NO WAY”.  Even back in my youthful, single days, I did not kiss total strangers, even cute ones…..(okay, maybe once in college, I gave a guy a peck when I was very intoxicated).  He asked several more times, and please remember to blame it on the madness, I gave in, he stuck his head in my car window and I proceeded to make out with a total stranger…..a “boy” no less.  A cute boy wearing a baseball cap backwards.  Despite our awkward positions and lack of any emotional attachment whatsoever, the kiss was actually pretty decent.   Okay, so I was trembling the entire time as usual, but tongues and all, it was a good kiss.

As I drove away, my BFF and I busted out laughing.  It was only a kiss, but I was in total disbelief at what I had just done.

My disbelief in my actions was about to be blown off the charts.

I’m not chickening out, but I tend to like my posts to be on the shorter side, and this is one is getting long….

Full Year, Full Circle, (don’t kill me) Part 3

I mentioned awhile back that I would have to resort to desperate measures to quit obsessing over Shane.  I finally resorted to those measures, but I haven’t even gotten around to writing about that yet.  I am having such a hard time writing this blog despite my love for writing.  My thoughts are so jumbled in my head that I can’t seem to put them out here in a way that makes any sense or even comes close to conveying the torment that I am going through.  My torment is another blog entry altogether.

On gut instinct alone, I discovered that the man I had spent every waking moment thinking about for the past 8 months had a girlfriend.  No big deal to me that he had a wife, (bear with my madness here), I was married too… but a girlfriend??   NO!  I was supposed to be the girlfriend.

The next time I saw him, his girlfriend was also present at the event he and I were both attending, but I caught him staring at ME, and he snuck away from her to have a moment with ME.  I was right back to being that desperately stupid college girl whom I loathed.

If you’re dying to read some smut, you’ll have to keep waiting.  I was never one to “give it up” easily, and I especially wasn’t going to do so now that I was an adultery virgin, having not had sex with another man other than my husband in over 20 years.  So the next time Shane and I were together, it didn’t end on a good note.  He had just filed for divorce and was dealing with major guilt and stress.  I had stress of my own and with those issues on top of him having a serious girlfriend, I ended up walking away from him that weekend after nothing more than a kiss.

To make matters worse, I hated myself for feeling like I was failing at being a whore.   It had been almost a year and a half since my “crisis” had begun, but yet I still had not fulfilled my desire to have sex with another man.  That should’ve made me relieved, happy, and proud of myself, but it just left me feeling more frustrated than ever.  It didn’t matter that opportunities had been there, all that mattered was that the “right” (but very wrong) opportunities had not come along.  And if you’re feeling confused just reading this conflict of absurd proportions, think how I felt living it.

The Most I’ve Said So Far About WHY!

As someone who loves to read and do research, I have read MANY articles on infidelity.  There are countless articles and books about men doing the cheating and it greatly outweighs what is out there on women doing the cheating, but this is THE BEST article I have come across so far, and the one that most closely describes my own situation, though not entirely.  We are all individuals, everyone’s lives and stories are different, so this article does not describe me to a T, but comes closer than anything else I have come across.

Here is an excerpt written by Samantha Parent Walravens entitled “Women in Their 40’s are Having Great Sex……Just Not With Their Husbands” on Huffington Post (I love all things Huff Post, btw).  To see the entire article, click here:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/samantha-parent-walravens/women-in-their-40s-having_b_1670101.html?utm_hp_ref=tw

While there are several factors that contribute to marital infidelity, there are a few unique reasons women in their 40s cheat. Here are the top 10: (I do not agree that this is THE TOP 10; that’s too broad and general a statement to make in my opinion……regardless)

1.  Greater confidence. Women in their 40s have fewer insecurities and are more confident about their bodies, their careers and themselves. They know who they are and feel comfortable in their skin. Many have jobs outside the house and an identity apart from that of mother/wife. Working outside the house also provides women more opportunities to meet men — and to pursue affairs — than their stay-at-home counterparts. 

2.  “Mommy” stage is over. By their 40s, women no longer have leaky, milk-filled breasts for feeding babies. Hey, maybe they’ve even gotten their pre-baby figure back! They are feeling sexy for the first time in a while. Having brought up toddlers, they have more freedom to go out again and relax — with their husbands, partners or someone else entirely.  

3. Shifting hormones. In their 40s, women’s testosterone levels are on the rise, which increases their libido, or sex drive. The so-called “nurturing” hormones — estrogen and oxytocin — are on the wane, making them less physically wired to attend to the needs of others and more likely to put themselves and their own needs first.  

4. Bedroom boredom. Let’s face it, after 20 years with the same partner, sex can become “plain vanilla.” And as Christian Grey has taught us, nobody likes “plain vanilla.” Sex with someone new is exciting and forbidden and provides a dopamine rush similar to a drug-induced high.   

5. Feeling neglected/unappreciated. Women wear many hats in a marriage — housekeeper, errand-runner, grocery shopper, babysitter, cook, doctor, lover, etc. Is it any wonder that a woman is tuckered out by her 40s? If she feels more like a housekeeper or maid than a beloved and cherished wife, that’s when she may stray. The fact that a husband may be spending inordinate amounts of time at work, traveling or on the golf course gives her more reason to seek attention elsewhere. 

6. Self-esteem booster. Sex can be an instant pick-me-up, a self-esteem booster that makes women feel sexier, more beautiful and more loved. If a woman feels unappreciated or neglected by her husband, a sexual affair could be just the medicine that she needs.  

7. Revenge/payback for past wrongs. Whether her husband cheated, lost a job, made a bad investment or got caught in a lie, a woman feels hurt and betrayed when trust has been broken. She may want to do the same to get even. 

8. Financial woes. Many families today are experiencing financial troubles, which puts a huge strain on a marriage. Women in their 40s feel that they have put in many years of hard labor — giving birth, raising kids and often working outside the house at the same time. When their husbands are without jobs or decent paychecks, women feel that their husbands are not fulfilling their end of the bargain and become angry and resentful. 

9. Letting the bad girl out. Have you noticed how many women get a breast augmentation, liposuction or other plastic surgery after their childbearing years to enhance their looks and sexuality? If not, take another look. Just as men feel the need to sow their wild oats, some women have an inner sex kitten that — especially with rising testosterone levels — is just waiting to come out! 

10. Exit strategy. Instead of breaking up, it’s easier to cheat. An affair is an easy way out, or at least that’s how some women see it. 

Bottom line? Female infidelity is on the rise. When you add up all the reasons that women cheat, it’s usually her heart — or ego — that needs healing. Not her libido. 

I can say that numbers 5, 8, and 10 do NOT apply to me, while one of the BIGGEST reasons for me is not on the list at all.  This is what I mean that we are all individuals. No two lives are exactly the same.  In my last post I wrote that “at this point in my life, I should be plowing ahead at full speed at whatever my heart and mind desires before it’s too late.  I’m not getting any younger, time is not on my side, and all of those other clichés.” Another blogger did not understand what I meant by this so I want to explain it here.

The quote on my home page feels like the theme of my life right now, written by one of my favorite authors, Ian McEwan, “Still young enough to yearn for the unpredictable, and old enough to know the chances are narrowing.”  What this means to me is that I am now 43 years old!  My life is half over.  I’m very lucky at my age, in a nation that does not value older women, to still be able to attract men.  I am yearning for the excitement that happens with all things new in a relationship between a man and a woman who have chemistry.  At this time in my life, I strongly feel that my chances to have that excitement are narrowing with each passing day.  I’m getting older each passing day,  in a nation that, again, does not value older women.  Maybe, just maybe I am wrong.  I’ve certainly been wrong and even plain stupid before, so maybe I’m wrong now….but just following my gut.  However, my gut is leading me down a very naughty path.

And despite the title of this post, the article itself, plus my addition to it, this is STILL NOT all of the WHY for me.  I said above that 5, 8, and 10 do not apply to me, but I could write entire posts about the remaining ones that do apply.

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Full Year, Full Circle, part 2

I wrote the following in my journal one year ago today:

I am obsessed with thoughts of him.  I cannot stop fantasizing about him, living out romantic scenarios with him in my adulteress mind.  I am driving myself crazy.  Tonight I spent about 45 minutes researching the internet on women and midlife crisis. Interestingly, there is a LOT more written about men and midlife crisis than about women.  Regardless, what I am doing and going through is classic textbook midlife crisis.  The danger is that I could ruin my life, ruin my family, hurt the people I love the very most in this entire world.  

I know all this, believe all this, yet……I have gone over the edge and I know that nothing short of imprisonment can stop me now.  I’m empowered by one of those quotes that Satan has to love, “Not all who wander are lost”. 

I have convinced myself that at this point in my life, I should be plowing ahead at full speed at whatever my heart and mind desires before it’s too late.  I’m not getting any younger, time is not on my side, and all of those other clichés.

This past March, Shane was at my side again after SEVEN months.  In his suite, we laid on his bed and talked for hours, mostly about our marriages, but a lot about our personal interests as well.  Just 8 years before, he and his wife of now 22 years had built a million dollar dream home where he had planned to die with her at his side.  He said she was a wonderful woman, but could no longer stand to be anywhere near her now, she was impossible to get along with, and he had talked to me more tonight than he had to her in the past 2 years combined.  He had moved out only a month before the night we met last August, and had recently hired a divorce lawyer.

What was I supposed to say??  My husband is a great guy, great father, great provider, we get along great and I love him.  But I just can’t stop thinking about you.  ??  No, that just didn’t sound right, although it was every bit the truth.  So instead, I left all that out and only mentioned that I was trapped.  I could not leave because of my children.  That part was true too.

Having not kissed another man since the night I saw Tom over 22 years ago, I had been scared that my lips would literally freak out and I’d feel like an awkward teenager being kissed for the very first time.  We had been lying side by side for hours.  Our eyes did that crazy lock thing again, we were silent for the first time, and finally, finally he kissed me.  My lips did not freak out and my tongue knew exactly what to do.  It felt very natural….and very nice.  I very much enjoyed it.  I enjoyed it so much that I initiated the third kissing session myself, reaching up to the back of his head with my hand, scratching his scalp gently with my fingernails.

If he hadn’t been so adept at unhooking my bra and swooping down on my breasts before I even knew what was happening, I would have put a stop to it, but his lips were there before I even had a chance to protest.

For a brief second, I panicked just like I had as a teenager, cursing my pubescent-sized breasts.  But the panic only lasted a second.  Being an expert internet stalker, I knew for a fact that his own wife bore a strikingly similar physical appearance to my own, from head to toe.  I was perfectly comfortable with him exploring my body above the waist, assured that he must not be a breast man.  Smile.  It was the first time in my life I had ever let the cringing go.

Yet, eventually the quivering fear from that night last summer returned.  I could feel my thighs shaking as soon as he had begun stroking my thighs through my pants earlier in the night.  He kissed my breasts, kissed my stomach, but as his hand made a move to stroke between my legs, I pulled it back into a safer territory, putting a stop to our physical contact going a step further.

The sun was coming up when I left at 6:30 the next morning to catch my plane.  As I walked out of his hotel room, I was taken by surprise when shame washed over me for a brief moment, or maybe it was only about 20 seconds, because then I went back to obsessing about him nonstop, and agonizing that I wouldn’t see him again for 6 weeks.

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A Full Year, A Full Circle

It was exactly a year ago when I met the man I cheated with for the very first time.  I was in a southern city at a hotel on a downtown riverwalk the night I met Shane.  Of course, it was just by chance that he and I were in the same city at the same hotel on the same night at the exact same moment.  It was close to midnight and I was having a drink with my friend in the hotel bar; the very first time I had ever been in a hotel bar without my husband. I had left my seat momentarily and upon my return, there Shane was.  I knew the instant our eyes locked that he was attracted to me. If only I had known what a life-changing eyelock that would be.

Summer nights in the south are heavenly. Any adulterer knows that heavenly things can be extremely dangerous, but I was not officially an adulterer at that point. All over again, I was as stupid and clueless as a teenager/young adult (aka, college girl, in my case). And because I got married before I resolved those college girl issues, here I found myself in that hotel bar.

Of course, nothing ever happened with Tom after I found him. And not only did nothing happen, but I shared all of the facts about it with my husband.  The facts are that I am a writer, I tracked Tom down, he has a past and a present that involves drugs. He remains addicted to meth.  Our past, those few years in college, it’s all we have in common now.  Unfortunately, I cannot help him, I cannot save him.  Tom knows that I am a writer and agreed to let me write about him.  Those are the facts.  The feelings are still there, but only in my memory.

Had I resolved those feelings from long away, maybe I would not have been  in that southern city where that fateful eye locking took place……… Will I ever know?

Not long after introductions, the bar closed and we found a patio on the riverwalk.  For the next 6 hours, almost until dawn, Shane and I sat and talked in the warm summer air.

We were not alone.  A small party gathered, others like us not willing to call it a night just because the bars were closed.  I found myself enjoying his presence beside me.  His compliments made me smile.  When our hands almost touched, the heat between us gave me a jolt.  Eventually, I realized I was quivering with fear.  I had not been intimate in a physical or emotional way in any shape or form with another man in over 20 years.

The fear and maybe the group setting were the only things that saved me that night, but mostly the fear, to be honest.  Not fear of being discovered or caught, but only fear of my feelings.  It was a plain white blinding fear.  I was literally flailing. Not failing, FLAILING.

I said goodbye and physically walked away at 5:30 a.m.  Physically, we went our separate ways, back to homes in different states.  Emotionally??  Man, what our emotions do to us.  Emotionally it gripped me in a way that only Satan can love.  It stayed with me every waking moment for the next SEVEN months.  I had to take drastic measures to distract myself, to save myself from it.  We’ll return to that later….

I did not contact Shane until this past February.  He had given me his card that night last summer and even though he did not have my number, he was sure enough of who I was when I texted him anonymously, that he came right out and said my name before I even told him it was me.  I have the urge to repeat that sentence for profoundness sake. Go back and read it again instead.

We met up again for the first time on purpose a month later, again in a southern city, again in a hotel, but this time we skipped the bar.

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A Thrill for the Bargain Price of $19.99

I knew enough about Tom from our days of dating in college that finding him through an online search should have been a snap.  I started with the first place we all look, Facebook.  No luck, which really did not surprise me.  Then my second go-to search place, the White Pages.  No luck there either, only finding his father’s information which I already had to begin with.  I googled his name under all the search engines to no avail, not finding anything to give me his exact location or contact info.  So I settled on the last resort, feeling a little sleazy by paying $19.99 for a background search.  What I found left me in a state of shock, sad, but also with maybe some borderline Schadenfreude.  Hate to admit it, but it’s the truth. 

Even with the “Official” search results, I still had to call Tom’s mom in the end to get his cell phone number.  

It was the very first Naughty Wife thing I had ever done.  Hubby always hated Tom and I knew that I was stepping into a minefield.  I guess my life had reached the point that I was in need of good blast.  

The very first time I called, he answered.  We had not spoken since we were both 20 years old (our birthdays only 3 days apart), over 20 years ago. 

My heart was pounding out of my chest and I was shaking all over from hello to goodbye.  

He said of course he remembered me.  I came right out and asked “what” he remembered about me.  Without any hesitation, he gave me a long and slow reply.  He remembered my long brown curly hair, my long finger nails, that I was always dressed really nice, and he could even remember my scent.  He remembered things like the car I drove, my personalized license plates, the horse I owned and even who I bought my horse from.  He said he remembers that the last thing I said to him was “Someday, you are going to wish you had married me.”  

The last time I had seen him, he had been trying to get me to break off my engagement and be with him, but I had known all along that he didn’t want to get married and have a family, and I did.  So I walked out on him that night. 

We talked about our relationship and how young and stupid we both were.  He asked me how the “married thing” worked out for me.  When I answered that it was all good with two kids, I could swear I actually heard his heart skip a beat. 

What he didn’t mention and what I did not bring up was the shocking information I came across in that $19.99 report.   In the last 20 years since seeing each other, and after graduation from college, my Tom with his all his talent and intelligence, had served three prison sentences totaling almost three years on drug charges.  

He never did get married.

Having gotten married young, right out of college, my 20th anniversary was just months away.  I considered myself to be very happily married and loved my husband.  I lived a picture-perfect, upper middle class existence and was often told how lucky I was to have a husband like mine.  So WHY WHY WHY did I suddenly, literally overnight, become obsessed with thoughts and fantasies of having an affair?

The pendulum of my deeply-ingrained moral beliefs would swing from one spectrum to the next while I slept in just one night, but it took months and months for me to figure out WHY.  It would take over a year for the tight weavings of my heart to slowly become undone.

In the beginning, I thought I had at least some of it figured out.  I thought I just needed one more chance to relive those blissful carefree days when I felt like I was on top the world.  I didn’t want to have an affair with just anybody.  I specifically wanted to have an affair with an old college boyfriend, specifically the one who had never stopped haunting me.

Finding him was only as far away as my keyboard.

I Kept Asking Myself, “WHY?”